


(If I) Close My Eyes Forever

by NothingImpossibleOnlyImprobable



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: Angst, Death, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-23
Updated: 2016-02-23
Packaged: 2018-05-22 18:16:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 660
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6089740
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NothingImpossibleOnlyImprobable/pseuds/NothingImpossibleOnlyImprobable
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Emma and Killian, post 5x11.</p>
            </blockquote>





	(If I) Close My Eyes Forever

**Author's Note:**

> Very angsty. Like, very. You have been warned.
> 
> Disclaimer: Not my characters, not my world. Just my imagination borrowing them for a bit.

The funeral was over, the town residents returned to their home, save the few who refused to leave, refused to leave her alone.  They offered food, drinks, a comforting shoulder, but it wasn’t enough, would never be enough.

_I’m here, love, I’m here with you.  You can’t see me or hear me, but I’m here._

Her ever-growing family was the last to leave, reluctant though she insisted.  They had lives to return to, babies to tend, homework and chores and bills to pay.  She had nothing.

_Don’t cry, Emma.  Not when I can’t wipe your tears.  Don’t cry._

They wanted to visit, to check on her, make sure she was ok, make sure she ate and took care of herself.  But what was the point?  Everything stopped when he died, everything froze in that awful moment as he took his last breath in her arms, a clock smashed, stuck forever.

_Please don’t do this to yourself, please don’t stop your life for me.  Please._

She went through the motions, forcing food in a mouth that tasted nothing, showering with water that had no substance.  She put up the act, so they would leave her alone.  After all this time with no one, she finally had the family she wanted, and it wasn’t enough.  Not without him.

_They’re your family.  Let them help you, let them love you, because I can’t._

Nightmares came, memories really, as she lay gasping in the too-quiet house, the picket fence mocking in the moonlight.  The pain, the fear, the loss, it had to get better soon, right?

_I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.  I promised you I’d survive, but now I’m gone and I’m sorry._

Sometimes she went to the cemetery at night, to the hideous monument the town had chosen for him.  She hated it, hated more what it represented, but hated the audacity of it all.  

_Don’t look for me there, love, I’m not there.  I’m in you, with you, always._

She leaned her head back against the cold stone, eyes closed, allowing the memories come.  The blade, stained in red, crumbling in her hands, her heart screaming as if she was the one stabbed.  Silent tears ran down her face, soaking the only clothes she wanted to wear anymore.

_I’ll wait for you.  As long as it takes, I’ll wait.  I’m not going anywhere._

“We could have been forever, Killian,” she whispered to the darkened air.  “I never should have lied to you, but I couldn’t, I can’t let you go.”

_You have to let me go.  It will get better, I swear._

Exhaustion seeped into her, a heavy feeling filling her bones.  She closed her eyes, thinking of him, his smell, his smile, his love, so fresh, so raw, so new.  So gone.

_It’ll change, love.  The pain will fade, the sharp edge of memory will dull, in time._

“Why couldn’t you take me with you?  Why did you leave me here alone?  What am I supposed to now?  It’s too much, Killian.  I can’t do it on my own.”

_You’re not alone, you’re never alone.  Your family, this town, and my heart are always with you._

She left, eventually, wiping her eyes all the way to the house, collapsing on the couch.  She clutched his ring, his last promise to keep her safe, the lifeline that kept her grounded in the turbulent sea that had become her reality.

_Rest, Emma.  Just rest.  Give it time, give it love.  Survive now that I can’t._

Night slowly faded into day, the bright light of the sun burning her eyes.  She slept, she didn’t sleep, she whispered “I miss you” to an empty house that would never be a home.  She blinked heavily, the tired sticky feeling of sleep that she didn’t want pulling her eyes shut.

_I love you, I love you and I’ll be here always, with you.  Forever._

“I love you, too.”

_Close your eyes, love.  Close your eyes._

She slept.


End file.
